A baker was a keen, but poor, chess player.  Unfortunately he also had the habit of selling old loaves as freshly baked.  Having yet again left his opponent with no moves the arbiter confirmed, "Like your bread it's stale, mate!"

What do you call a carp like fish balancing a car on its head while arbiting a chess tournament?  Jack Rudd.

Q. If you have a referee in football, an umpire in cricket and an arbiter in chess, what do you have in bowls?

A. Cereal.

"What time does the tournament hall open?" the man on the phone asked the arbiter. 
"9 am - 1 hour before the start of play," came the reply. "And what's the idea of calling me at home in the middle of the night to ask a question like that?"
"Not until 9 am?" the man asked in a disappointed voice.
"No, not till 9 am!" the arbiter said. "Why do you want to get in before 9 am?"
"Who said I wanted to get in?" the man sighed sadly. "I want to get out."

What does a certain Grandmaster call a good arbiter? The exception.

"You understand that when I give a decision you accepted it?" said the arbiter to a young player. "Yes" said the player.  "And you also know that you don't shout and swear at me or call me names?" continued the Arbiter.  "Of course" said the youngster.  "Good, now could you explain that to your mother."

Old arbiters never die, they simply go to pieces.

A man is sitting at his board with a frog on his head. The arbiter asks "Why have you got that there?" 

"It's OK," said the frog, "He won't give me any advice."

Two arbiters were drinking coffee. One was complaining about how coffee made him nervous.  The other said "Why don't you quit drinking coffee?"  The first said, "Because if I didn't have the shakes I wouldn't get any exercise at all."

A good arbiter always remembers that there is a very thin line between "hobby" and "obsession".

15% of chess players are on treatment for mental health issues.  That's a scary fact for arbiters to deal with as  it means that the other 85% remain untreated.

Q. What do you call the official refereeing a chess tournament between pirates?

A. The Arrrrhbiter.

An Arbiter's Prayer

Lord give me wisdom to understand the player's comments

Love to forgive him his errors and patience to tolerate his moods.

Because if I pray for strength I'll just beat him to death.

Blonde to Arbiter: "This is my first tournament. What do I do?"

Arbiter: "Just make your move and stop your clock."

Blonde: "That's why I've learned to play."

Arbiter: "Sorry???"

Blonde:  "Chess keeps me young.  I can't get older when my clock isn't running, silly."