|
THE ALTERNATIVE DICTIONARY OF CHESS TERMS |
A |
|
Aardvark |
A German player’s description of how he won |
Address |
What you need to wear to become a WIM |
Album |
The display of a rotund player when seated |
Anticlockwise |
A player constantly in time trouble |
Arbiter |
Official who is simultaneously pleasant, agreeable, officious, overbearing, bureaucratic, helpful, obliging, courteous, rude |
Aromatherapy |
The art of persuading certain players to take a shower daily |
B |
|
b pawn |
A warning sound before arbiter goes round the bend |
Back Rank Mate |
Friendly taxi driver whose cab is the last in line |
Board |
What arbiters have with their bed |
Book Move |
Rearranging the contents of your library |
C |
|
Candidate move |
The attempt to progress the relationship with someone to whom you have just given chocolates |
Castling Short |
An attempt to brick up a controversial GrandMaster |
Compensation |
The art of convincing yourself that being two pieces down is not a reason to resign |
Connected Pawn |
Weak player with Mafia associations |
Conversation |
Annoying activity performed at the end of one’s game |
Correspondence Chess |
A form of chess for those who find playing 40 moves in 2 hours is much too fast |
Counter Attack |
Struggle to get to front of queue for lunch |
Crosstable |
The board at which both players have suffered a zero tolerance default. |
D |
|
Diversion |
The Welsh form of chess |
Double attack |
Arbiter eating two puddings simultaneously |
Draw Offer |
To invite your opponent to join you outside for a cigarette |
E |
|
Elo Rating |
Abbreviated form of typical chess player’s greeting “Hello, what is your grade?” |
End Game |
The final chance to find a win or draw |
F |
|
FIDE |
Grandmaster term for the day that their conditions are paid |
Flag |
The art of losing games, possibly on time, in the latter part of a tournament |
Friendly Game |
An impossible concept in chess |
Fool's Mate |
The friend of a chess player |
G |
|
g pawn |
Loud honking device fitted to a Jeep |
Game Score |
The number of deer seen on the way to a remote congress |
H |
|
Handicap |
Readily available headwear |
Hijack |
Rudd on a very good score |
I |
|
Illegal Move |
Taking a sick bird to the vet |
Illegal position |
Playing chess whilst driving |
Inactive |
Description of the movement of an arbiter |
Increment |
Mistaken interpretation of Chinese player’s description of the weather |
Isolated Pawn |
Remote location of financial provider |
J |
|
Jangle |
Noise made with keys to disturb opponent |
Jargon |
Unintelligible speech required to be ECF CEO |
K |
|
KIA |
A type of orange squash |
KID |
Young player who always seems to beat you |
Kingside |
A player who supports Charles’ ascension to the throne |
L |
|
Liposuction |
Act of slurping tea to distract opponent |
Loo |
Storage area for tablets running chess engines |
Loss |
Accurately described in the phrase “I had the third best result ever” |
M |
|
Main Line |
Where some players feel like lying after a bad game |
Mate |
Something the general public think your average chess player is short of |
Mating Net |
Device used by chess player to get a partner |
Mind Sport |
An Australian asking you to move out of his way |
Minor Exchange |
A chess player’s attempt at having a conversation |
Minority Attack |
Having a go at an arbiter |
Move Order |
The waitress brings the meal |
N |
|
Norm |
What most chess players seek to achieve but deviate from |
O |
|
Opening Preparation |
Arbiter practicing with a tin-opener |
Opening Repertoire |
A series of conversation starters. Unavailable to most chess players |
Overloading |
Eating too much |
Oversight |
Studying the board by looking over the top of your glasses |
P |
|
Passed Pawn |
Financial establishment avoided by player who cannot redeem his goods |
Perpetual Check |
A vain player continually glimpsing in the mirror |
Plagiarism |
One of the few ways of making a living from chess |
Popcorn |
Told by a junior to his father to explain his loss |
Positional Sacrifice |
To watch soaps with the wife in order to go to the chess club one night |
Post Mortem |
Analysis stage where losses become wins |
Q |
|
Quickplay Finish |
Instant rejection from one of the opposite sex |
Quiet Move |
To fail to acknowledge to workmates that you play chess |
R |
|
Rank |
A description of the tournament hall after several hours, especially on a warm day |
Resign |
A method of ending the game unknown to juniors and Minor players |
Reticent |
Opening devised by Austro-Czech GM 1. Nf3 d5 2. c4 |
Romantic |
The noise made by an Italian analogue clock |
Round |
The body shape required of a senior arbiter |
S |
|
Saxophones |
An arbiter’s collection of player’s mobiles |
Skewer |
What the Arbiter’s late night meal is cooked on |
Smothered Mate |
What most chessplayer’s wives think of having |
Stalemate |
A partner who has been around for a while |
Strategy |
The skill of avoiding buying a round of drinks |
T |
|
Time Control |
Bladder retention when short of time to complete the game |
Time Pressure |
The feeling in the bladder when suffering the above |
U |
|
Underpromotion |
Media coverage of chess |
Under Rated |
Term used to describe the 1200 who beat you convincingly |
Upset |
To raise the pieces to a higher level |
V |
|
Venue |
A euphemism for a cold, poorly lit space |
Vertical |
A position difficult to maintain after the 8th celebratory pint |
W |
|
Waiting Move |
Player’s excuse for not talking to attractive female |
Weak Square |
Woman’s description of above player |
Weekend Congress |
A tournament where you travel 100-300 miles to play someone from your own club |
X |
|
X-Ray |
Allegedly a description of how the Times chess column could be improved |
Y |
|
Yawning |
Activity designed to persuade opponent to resign. Usually counter-productive |
Yoghurt |
Method of sending coded moves to team mate |
Z |
|
Zugzwang |
A move you’d rather not make e.g. going from the pub to home |
Zzzzzz |
Noise made by spectators |